A mixed bag

Good and bad news this week.

Bad: Awesome co-worker in quality left for a new opportunity. Sad to see such an asset to the hospital go.

Good: Her leaving is allowing for a couple of us to grow our roles in the department. This includes the offer for me to increase my hours in the department from 4 to 16, with a new title and added responsibility. I am very excited about this.

Bad: This change had to get cleared with my other boss on the unit. While she agreed to the change it prompted a discussion between the two of us about my feelings about that job. Which, if you haven’t picked up on the subtlety in prior posts, are generally negative. Okay, I’ll just say it: I don’t like what I do. L&D in a hospital is a bad fit for me. The upshot of the conversation with my boss is that I’m getting pulled off L&D orientation. My boss was very flexible in terms of what I will do now. I’ll just do postpartum for the time being while I figure out what next. She even offered to try to get me into the special care nursery which is a big interest of mine. But I am wary of jumping at that opportunity without doing some serious soul-searching first.

For one thing, I am not sure that my feelings are solely related to my philosophical views on birth. There is the culture to consider, as well. The unit and the hospital as a whole have distinct cultures and I’m not sure where I fit into this culture. This leads me to wonder whether I should look at a specialty unrelated to maternal/child health. Or even beyond that, whether I should look outside this hospital entirely. Not that my brief experience and the current economic situation make that easy. Not a ton of hiring going on around here.

I do count myself lucky for one thing… my awesome mentor (formerly my clinical preceptor). I was able to sit down with her today and bounce my thoughts off her. She understood my feelings of “how much longer do I have to do this?” that come with a job that’s a poor fit and validated many of the thoughts that have been rattling around in my head.

These past few months have been such a roller-coaster. At the moment I feel half-sick and half-relieved. Relieved to have this burden off my shoulders, sick to not have a defined next step and feeling pressured to make a decision. But I was able to think out some next steps with my mentor today, and I guess I just go from here. If only I could stop bursting into tears I’d be all set.

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