Finding your passion
Lots on my mind lately; hard to boil things down into a neat blog post, however!
This past weekend I returned to my alma mater for alumni weekend. Aside from the typical activities of gawking at the changes, enjoying some college-era comfort food and beverage, and schmoozing, I had the opportunity to attend a career panel put on by the multicultural society. One of the panelists was a fellow alum with whom I graduated and shared a major. He has since gone on to earn an MBA and become a spoken word poet (I think this potpourri of interests is endemic in us liberal arts folks). He and his fellow panelists spoke about how they had overcome the challenge of becoming successful with less. The common theme among all of them was the concept of passion.
One of the panelists spoke quite eloquently about the hedgehog principle and how we can use this to help guide us… because, as she noted, it’s not enough to blindly follow one’s passion; money isn’t everything, but it is important. The hedgehog principle focuses on the intersection of three circles (remember learning about Venn diagrams?). The first circle is what you are good at; the second, what you are passionate about; the third, your financial vehicle.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these things over the past few months (prior to knowing about the hedgehog principle, of course). Now that I have a framework, I’ve realized that I need to do some writing to try to figure out where the intersection of these circles lies. I often find that putting words to paper (or to blog, in this case) is particularly useful in figuring out the what-nexts in life.
Now, I like being a nurse. I have no intention of leaving nursing. But in spite of the fact that I derive satisfaction from what I am currently working on, I know that this is not my ultimate passion. Since I’ve started my job in quality & safety I’ve had plenty of opportunity to observe my boss and others in leadership positions related to our specialty and the more I observe, the less I see myself heading in that direction. Most of my frustration stems from the fact that our patients tend to be abstract. We are doing things for “the patient” without having a face or name or story for that patient. Either that or we have a name and a story, but we are working in retrospect to determine breakdowns. Valuable work, no question, but I am finding that it doesn’t meet my particular needs. In other words, it fits into the circles of “what am I good at” and the economic engine, but it’s not falling into the passion circle. I need something that involves direct care at some level.
I’ve also been thinking seriously about my avocation, which I mentioned in my last post. For a quick recap, I recently started dancing again after a nearly decade-long hiatus. This is definitely falling into my passion circle. And I also think it’s something I’m fairly good at. It’s just the whole economic engine circle that I’m struggling with. This is definitely where I spend money, certainly not where I make money.
The point of all this, I suppose, is to try to figure out what I need in order to be successful. Do I remain satisfied with the fact that I am good at my job and it provides me with a financial resource to pursue my passion? It’s worked so far, but to be honest, I’m realizing that something needs to change. I am wanting to spend more and more time with the things that fuel my soul (dance and the people I perform with), but it’s wiping me out for my job. The balance is there for now, but I sense that it is becoming more precarious. I am going to need to make a shift in the future. I am just not sure what that will entail: a geographic move? a career move? a return to school for my FNP (pretty much a given at this point, but does not solve the more immediate career questions)? some combination of the above? Or something completely outside the box? What about my other passion of birth advocacy? Where does that fit in?
Now, don’t go reading this thinking that I’m all unhappy and crying in my beer over here. I’m still happy with life and all the wonderful things in it. I feel blessed to be able to sit here and ponder my navel. But I do believe in living with intention rather than letting life happen to me. I want to be an active participant and get as much out of my life as I can. In the past couple months I have learned what “feeding one’s soul” means. When I leave my dance classes and leave my artist friends I feel a warmth and excitement that has been missing. I have spent the past couple years consumed with school and getting that first nursing job. Now that I’m able to move beyond that, I am ready to take stock of my true desires and needs from my career and the larger world. In the past (career #1) I tried to believe that I didn’t have to enjoy my work as long as I made up for it in my outside hours, but when you spend 40+ hours a week at a job, it really does wear you down if you’re not having fun and feeling that your work is feeding you emotionally as well as physically!
So, I suppose I have a rather tall mountain ahead of me. But I’m ready to figure out what it takes to get to the top.
As a postscript to how I started my post… during my weekend I spent some time talking to one of my classmates whom I have always admired as being “successful.” She is smart, well-travelled, organized, a leader, earned a graduate degree, and is working in a well-respected organization. And she admitted to me this weekend that she doesn’t know what’s next. She is realizing that it’s time to move on from her current job (which she enjoys, but…), yet doesn’t know where she wants to go next. It was comforting to know that others are struggling with the same challenges of wanting more but not being sure what more looks like quite yet. I am confident that she and I and all of our fellow seekers will get there eventually, however. Just keep looking for that intersection where passion, skill, and economics intersect. 
All work and no play?
Lest you think my life is all about work, what I want to do for work, where I want to work, and what work works for me…. I have made some time for play. I promised myself that after school was over I’d get back into some of my hobbies, which has proven to be easier said that done. However, just recently I had the opportunity to get back into something that I had loved and lost… dance!
Through the miracle of Facebook I’ve reconnected with some people from my past. One of these people was the first person to teach me modern dance back in high school. She’s a few years older than I and had gone to Philadelphia to study dance and brought her knowledge back to our little dance studio during her college breaks. Learning about modern dance was a revelation for me (little Alvin Ailey reference for you dancers out there). I loved it and continued taking modern (and ballet) throughout college. But after college I kind of lost my dancing outlet. I missed it and always intended to get back into it someday, somehow, just never figured out how.
A couple months ago I posted on my status that I was watching Alvin Ailey on PBS and missing dance. Within minutes I had a message in my inbox from this old friend telling me that if I was in her area I should come take classes with the performing arts company she started about ten years ago. Well, sign me up! So every Wednesday for the past month or so, I’ve been leaving work a little early, driving an hour north of where I live, and getting my dancing feet back under me. I have bought dance sneakers (never knew such things existed before) and knee pads. I am learning hip-hop of all things… since we have no mirrors in our rehearsal space I have no idea how ridiculous I look, but damn, it’s fun.
I didn’t realize how much I missed having dance in my life until I started taking classes again. It’s a time that’s just for me. I don’t have to try to solve the problems of the world. I can be free and jump and run and twirl. And, hey, the hip-hop helps me get some aggressions out, which can be invaluable in the middle of the workweek! Never underestimate the power of an avocation!
Now what?
I have been pondering my academic future quite a bit lately. A month or so ago I was at my cousin’s high school graduation where my grandfather asked me about my job, etc. I mentioned that I was thinking about what I was going to do next. He replied that he thought I was doing what I wanted to do. I laughed and said, “Never!”
It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with where I am now, just that I’m always looking forward. Where do I want to be? What do I ultimately want to do? Maybe I really just want to be a perpetual student. 
Seriously, though, while my interests are varied, I do love working in healthcare, and I expect that’s where I’ll stay for the majority of the future. But what do I want to do in healthcare? I love nursing, don’t get me wrong. I’d love to actually work as a CNL, which is what I was educated and certified as. However, the concept has really not caught on and I wonder if it ever will. Do I feel like waiting to find out? And if not, then… what?
The quality thing works for now, definitely. But I can see myself getting burnt out on my current role. Perhaps as my role evolves (and the economy evolves!) I will be able to transition to doing more of what I like (chart review, data analysis, PI projects) and less of the crap. I should probably mention here that our department’s assistant is only per diem which means that I end up acting in that role a lot, and it is neither my interest nor my forte. If someone calls me “the secretary” one more time I may just snap. I have nothing against secretaries, mind you, it’s just frustrating when that stuff takes away from the nursing stuff that I would far rather be doing.
So, yes, I like the quality stuff, but I don’t know where I want to go with it if I can’t do it as a CNL. I look at my boss’s job and think, do I really want that? Not so sure.
I think often about returning to the bedside. I know that there are different kinds of nurses out there, but I do struggle with the fact that I did not attain the clinical skills I wanted in my short stint. I fantasize about working in a NICU. Tiny equipment, tiny patients. It’s all right up my alley! My fear is that I won’t be able to get my foot in the door.
Another option I’ve been seriously considering is returning to the esteemed (ha!) grad school to get my family nurse practitioner (FNP) certificate. I only need about nine classes to complete it. Primary care has always been an interest of mine, and I would love to provide family care. But, of course, that means more time I’d need to devote not only to classes, but to clinical time, as well. And, well, I know what I’m getting into in terms of politics, lack of organization, etc. that exists within that institution. Work-wise, I could easily do the FNP certificate part-time, but I’d need more flexibility than my job currently affords, so… something to think on.
Another option is a PhD program I’ve been eyeing. It’s affiliated with a medical school in the state and one of their concentration options is in healthcare improvement. I think that if I stayed in quality I’d probably want to do it at the PhD level… i.e. research changes that have a more global impact, teach others about healthcare improvement.
These are the two predominant thoughts at the moment, though there are others. I could get an MBA (I think that we really need more people in healthcare with a good understanding of business)… though the more time I spend in a hospital, the less interested I am in running a hospital…. I’d rather run healthcare! Another thought is running away to Canada or the UK where they have more reasonable expectations of birth (VBACs are ok! vaginal breech birth can be safe! midwives rock!) and returning to my love of birth. Then earlier this week one of the clinical educators sent me a brochure about a clinical research certificate program at an area college… while I can’t believe I’m saying this, I am thinking that research might not be so bad, particularly if I could research things related to birth (i.e. provide the evidence for evidence-based practice). However, that particular program seems to be largely focused on training nurses to work in drug trials and I’m not sure I really feel like doing that. And finally there is this small, and rather insane, part of me that thinks, you know, maybe I should go to medical school, do an obstetrics residency that actually teaches things like vaginal breech birth, safe VBACs, etc. (I know these things exist, as I found an MD’s blog on being in such a residency program), and be the OB I think women deserve.
But for the moment, I am learning lots of new things and trying to get the most of out my current role… in between answering the phones, acting as the department’s resident tech support (how this happened, I don’t know, but I’m thinking of offering classes… lesson one, how to use the tab key instead of hitting the spacebar ten times; lesson 2, stop double-spacing after a period, the white holes in text hurt my eyes; lesson 3, how to use the cute little icons in the tool bar instead of going through a menu every time you want to open, close, save, cut, paste, etc.), and constantly trying to get to the bottom of my to-do list, I am picking up things that I would never have seen as a staff nurse. I can see the big picture and am figuring out how each of the cogs in the system go together. I know this experience will serve me well whatever road I choose to go down next… after all, we all know that when I reach the end of that road I’ll just be looking for another one to take me somewhere else.
The ceremonial end
It’s like the song that doesn’t end… but seriously, now it’s really, truly, nail-in-the-coffin over! Now time to ponder what’s next… NP? MBA? PhD? Hm…
Nurses’ Week
I know I’ve been remiss at keeping this updated recently. Not feeling inspired, I guess. Life without the peaks and valleys of career crisis and the like is not so very exciting!
Now I will admit that I’ve still been ruminating on the subject of my last post… not the opinions of others on my so-called luck, but my own feelings about where I’ve ended up. On the plus side, if you say to me, “So, do you like what you do?” I will reply, “Yes, I love it!” which is a far cry from how I felt about my L&D gig. But I can’t help feeling extremely odd that I’m not even a year into being an RN and I’m no longer at the bedside. This is not at all how I had mentally mapped out my career trajectory. And while I like what I do, I am missing a big piece of the puzzle that my RN coworkers have. I am struggling with that.
I wonder if some of this has to do with the question asked by those who are not in the healthcare field: “So, what do you do?” If I reply, “Well, I’m a nurse” then I am pretty well assured that the following image pops into the person’s head: me, in scrubs, stethoscope around my neck, mopping a brow, fluffing a pillow, or maybe checking vital signs. Maternity nurse? Well, that obviously means that I cheer “push!” during labor, and then spend a lot of time cuddling babies and admiring their tiny perfection. They most certainly are not picturing me sitting behind a desk, running reports, creating spreadsheets and presentations, wearing business casual… a scene remarkably similar to the one I left in career one, albeit with far less glamorous surroundings (I do miss SOME things about that career!). Most people cannot wrap their heads around the concept that A) nurses are smart people and B) nurses do TONS of stuff that go way beyond brow-mopping and baby-kissing.
You might be wondering what all this yammering has to do with the title of this post. Well, it’s Nurses’ Week (aka, if we stuff enough simple carbs down the nurses’ throats they will be too sedated to complain about anything… though my boss did get me a plant, which was quite a nice break from the ice cream socials/pastry carts/etc… I enjoy simple carbs as much as the next person, but there comes a point where it’s like, okay, nurses bust their asses all year and they’re supposed to jump for joy over stale pastry?). One cool thing about the week, though, is that we usually get a speaker in to talk about issues in nursing. Last year it was a woman who talked about generational differences. This year the speaker was supposedly talking about critical conversations, but really her talk was about nursing image. I found it fascinating.
In the beginning of her talk she mentioned the fact that nursing is one of the most respected professions. Nurses have a public image of being ethical and kind. Both good things! I’d be happy to be considered to be ethical and kind. The challenge is this… when the public was asked to think about how knowledgeable different professions were, nursing wasn’t on the list! Which doesn’t really surprise me, actually. If someone has a shred of intelligence and says, “Gee, I think I want to be a nurse,” the response usually goes, “But you’re smart, don’t you want to be a doctor?” The public image is that we’re angelic… and not particularly bright. Well, that’s just swell. The speaker didn’t mean to imply that we should move away from the ethical, caring aspect, rather that we also need to raise public awareness that nurses are there to save your life! We need to educate people about what it is that we DO. Nurses work extremely hard, but it isn’t a job that can easily be boiled down into a ten-words-or-less description. Often we just stick with “I’m a nurse” and so the dumb-but-kind image remains.
In thinking about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I need to get back to more frequent blogging… to explain what it is I do. I am a nurse. Just because I work in an office setting rather than a direct patient-care setting does not diminish the fact that I am practicing nursing (damn it!). So perhaps I need to stop feeling sorry for myself that my job does not fit into the neat public image of “Nurse” and rather start doing my own education about what it is that nurses do. Or, at the very least, what this nurse does. I’m frequently startled at how little even my fellow nurses know about the quality office. Generally we’re viewed as some sort of meanie police that wants to create more paperwork. Believe me, I do not want to create more paperwork… I want to help the nurse at the bedside to have the tools to provide the best possible patient care.
So now I need to think about where to start with all of this. If any of my readers have ideas of things to blog about, I’m open to suggestions!
And to all nurses, nursing students, and aspiring nurses, I do truly wish you a happy Nurses’ Week. We rock. We save lives. The end.
Lucky girl
In the past few weeks since I took on my full-time quality role I’ve gotten the comment, “You’re very lucky, you know,” quite a few times. It rubs me the wrong way every time… perhaps not the comment so much as the tone that goes with it… and what’s surprising is that I’ve gotten the comment from people who I am fairly close to in my work life. The “luck” seems to be in regards to working in an office/administrative role as a new nurse, with the unspoken undercurrent of “gee, how nice that you didn’t have to pay YOUR dues.” Perhaps I’m being too sensitive, but judging from the number of times I’ve heard this, I think I might be on to something here…
Why does this bug me so much? I guess because I don’t know how to respond or I feel as though I should be apologizing for having this job, like I somehow acquired the role in an underhanded, sneaky way… which I didn’t. I feel like asking what these individuals think I should have done… turned down the job when I knew my other option was working per diem with no benefits or guaranteed hours so I could hold out for a nice bedside med-surg job in order to prove that I’m a Real Nurse? Or maybe I should ask what makes me less deserving of the position than someone else.
Here’s how I calculate my luck-to-deserving ratio:
I was lucky to be placed in this office as a student; this hospital wasn’t even on my list of options and it certainly wasn’t the specialty I was planning to go for. But once I was placed there it was MY choice to make it the best experience I could. I could have bitched and moaned that I wasn’t getting the bedside/hands-on experience I was expecting, but I chose to be open-minded and learn all I could.
I was lucky that I was in a department that was supportive of having a student and allowed me to have some independent responsibilities. But it was my own maturity and work ethic that allowed me to carve a niche into the department and prove myself valuable and trustworthy. It was that value and trust that led to my first paid job in quality. I never had expectations that I would be given any sort of job in the department. I was honored to be able to at least continue the work I’d been doing as a student and help out the others where I could.
I was lucky that, when my own work crisis happened, the situation in the quality office was such that they were going to need to hire someone anyway. But it wasn’t handed to me because of some “poor Rori” pity. I bring with me plenty of analytical skills from Career One and that’s what they needed. Not to mention that I just finished a master’s degree the had a major focus on quality improvement in nursing and healthcare. I was already up to speed on many of the measures that I would be reviewing. I don’t need as much help getting going as someone brand new to the department would. I earned this job.
I guess I’m feeling defensive… and I wish I could explain to people how heartbreaking the whole sequence of events of the past month or two have been and how I wish I had never had to make this decision. I went into nursing school in large part because I wanted to be a maternity nurse. I’d dreamed about it for so long and was thrilled to be able to start my career in that specialty. I love birth. I love bearing witness to a family’s growth. I love seeing miracles every day. But I hate that birth is treated as a pathologic process as a rule, rather than the exception. I hate that the only time I ever saw a vaginal birth that didn’t involve Pitocin augmentation was when a woman came in to the hospital three pushes away from having a baby in her arms. I hate that nearly 50% of our births are Cesarean. I do not feel that our care is truly in the best interest of mom or baby. And sadly, I know that the defensive approach to birth is rapidly becoming (if it’s not already) the norm across the country. Many maternity nurses can deal with this… not to say that they like it, but they are willing to provide care under these circumstances and try to make the experience the best it can be given what they have to work with. I couldn’t. And I wanted to. I really really wanted to. Part of me hoped that I could become more complacent with our stats. But I couldn’t. I loved my patients, but I hated the orders I had to carry out. It’s a terrible web to be caught in.
I give thanks every day that I can now wake up looking forward to going to work. I give thanks that I work with a tremendous group of people and that I can impact the care we provide as a hospital. I feel blessed to have a job that I enjoy during this time of economic downturn. But I miss my patients every day and I wish that I hadn’t ended up in my job the way I did. If this is luck, it’s rather painful!
Recipe for a lovely day:
Ingredients:
Self
Good friend
Car
A few bucks
Laughter
Directions:
Take self and good friend and put in car early in day. Drive to local diner you have always wanted to try but never got around to. Eschew healthy breakfast option you planned to eat when you looked the menu up online for the breakfast special called “Cherry Pie Waffle” at the encouragement of friend who is choosing the banana pancakes with walnuts and caramel sauce. Accept offer of whipped cream on said breakfasts. Laugh with sassy waitress. Laugh at the world. Laugh at the fact that your “breakfast” includes ice cream. Enjoy heartily. Return self and friend to car. Go to bank to deposit tax refund. Call local salon and schedule a pedicure for an hour from now. Go to salon. When the person performing pedicures offers a drink and one of the options is wine, choose the wine. Relax. Enjoy. Laugh at the fact that you just slurped your wine too fast. Laugh at the cheap sandals you have been given and the funny way they make you walk. Laugh at the fact that, because it is still cold out and you will soon have to put on shoes and socks, there is no possible way that your nail polish will remain unmarred, and you don’t really care because no one will see your toes for a few months anyway… this was really all about the foot massage. Return to car. Go to discount shoe store. Try out the new pedicure in a variety of shoes, preferably fun, impractical shoes. Buy deeply discounted shoes which are probably uncomfortable, but too cute and cheap to pass up. Laugh about cute shoes. Laugh about the fact that you keep repeating statements that “These shoes would be perfect if only [insert complaint here, which may include: big-ass bow on the toe, ugly color, heel height, pinchy-toes].” Return to car. Go home. Wait for dinner. Look up fun stuff to do on the internet. Look up inspirational videos of large, wild cats on YouTube. Sniffle at cute video. Laugh at other stuff that you can’t remember, but damn, it was funny. Wait for friend’s fiance to show up. When said dude shows up, return to car and drive to a bar/restaurant appropriate for the season (i.e. an Irish bar for St. Patrick’s day). Shrug when the hostess informs you of the ridiculously long wait. Buy a beer. Laugh. Get seated. Eat deep-fried fish because hey, it’s fish, fish is good for you. Enjoy heartily. Laugh some more. Return to car and drive home. Hug friend and her beloved and say goodbye. Go to bed. Wake up next morning and be happy that abs are sore because you laughed so much and decide that more than makes up for the fact that you never got around to exercising during your lovely day.
Quotations
From an editorial in one of my nursing mags: “[this magazine] has always, and still does, emphasize that you need to work in a place right for you, where you fit into the culture, can use your best skills, and work with colleagues who energize you and your passion for what you do. What’s most important is that you stay in nursing.”
From my career and finance horoscope from last week (I swear I do not base my life on these things, I just happened to read it and it fit for that particular week): “Talk to your boss or investigate other ways to let your entrepreneurial spirit soar. Your spirits take a corresponding lift on Thursday when you pay attention to your ambitions. On Friday, a difficult situation can become a pathway for new potential. It’s time to heal old wounds. Too much work leads to burnout, which doesn’t do you any good.”
A week ago Tuesday I did talk to my quality boss about taking a full-time position in the department. I asked for a couple days to think about it. I didn’t want to take the job simply because I was panicked about money. When I returned to the office on Thursday, after talking to a friend and doing a lot of thinking, I decided to go ahead and take the offer. As it says in the first quote, I realized that this department is, in fact, a place where I fit into the culture, where I can use my skills, and my coworkers energize me and my passion. And as my horoscope said, I had to think about where I want to go with my career. I realized that the quality offer made more sense than holding out for another bedside job (which I’d be hard-pressed to find at the moment, anyway!) when I ultimately want to be in the quality business (I’d love to do it as a true clinical nurse leader on a unit level, but the idea hasn’t quite caught on yet).
So my difficult situation has, in fact, become a pathway for potential and I am healing my old wounds. I don’t think I realized exactly how much my clinical job had been sapping my energy. For months now I’ve really felt down in the dumps. Even my free time has been spent feeling as though I couldn’t do much more than nap on the couch. Last weekend (after I made my decision to join quality full-time) I felt so much energy and optimism. I felt as if I could finally get out of my own way. In retrospect, I really was feeling burnt-out… which is sad when you consider that I was only in that job for 8 months.
I wonder how many other new nurses are going through this. I ran into one of the other nurses from my orientation class at a skills fair this week and we were catching up. I could see the exhaustion in her eyes and the fact that she’s not having a good time. We didn’t get into too much detail, but I did get that she’s feeling like she needs more support in her work. We agreed that the best part of the new grad program was the opportunity to spend time with other people at the same experience level and share our challenges and we miss having that opportunity. At the end of the conversation we exchanged numbers. I’m thinking of starting a support group!
The saga continues
Haven’t had any babies in our level II nursery in a couple weeks. This has made observing in there rather boring, though I did get to go to the c-sections and other nursery-attended births. I wish there had been something to see in the actual nursery. In spite of this, I got the sense that I would really like it. I felt like I had come home. I knew I would.
Then comes the blow (not unexpected): there is no room in the budget for me to orient there. I could see this coming from a mile away, but I kept my fingers crossed that the stars might align and things would work out in my favor. No such luck. So I’m back at square one again, the nurse without a home. I can’t be just a postpartum nurse. Well, I can, as long as I agree to be per diem, which really doesn’t work for me. I need the income and benefits. Not to mention that I don’t really want to postpartum regardless of the pay scheme.
So now I’m back to trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. If I was willing to do some administrative stuff I could probably get myself more hours in my other job, but I would prefer to find something where I can use the nursing knowledge. And I do want to do something clinical.
I am feeling a lot of frustration at finding myself in this pickle. I was hoping I could at least get through that magical first year without bombing out. Now I have too much experience to try to pass myself off as a new grad, and not enough to say that I’m experienced. I wondered today if I should ask to go back on L&D orientation. I could probably wrap it up fairly quickly and then I could have my 24 hours a week guaranteed. But that screams bad idea for many reasons, key being the fact that I was miserable in L&D and everyone knew I was miserable. I really don’t think it’s worth it. But trying to find a job in this economy blows. Pickings are slim and the jobs that are out there are largely per diem. I get that they want to be able to flex their staffing as needed, but it’s not like I’m doing this for pin money here. Blah…
One of my biggest frustrations is the simple fact that I know what I want to be doing. And I wish I had said so at the beginning. I could have oriented to the level II nursery from the get-go and avoided this whole brouhaha. Argh… Yet even as I type this, part of me knows that this is probably the right thing for me in the end. The scary part is not knowing where this road is leading. Am I supposed to be in another specialty? Another institution? A completely different nursing role? I really don’t know yet, but the universe seems intent on telling me that I need to move on.
So here I am… trying to figure out where my next step will lead. Exploring my options and hoping something good comes along. We can only hope!
As a brief follow-up on my diploma post, I talked to one of my friends from school the other night and was relieved to find out I wasn’t alone in my thoughts. She, too, thought it was a puny document and very unceremoniously presented. Although she at least got her middle initial on hers. Harumph.
The piece of paper
The diploma showed up today… finally, two months after the official graduation date. I was surprisingly underwhelmed. I pulled it out of the envelope, sniffed at it disdainfully, and shoved it back in the envelope. Not quite sure why I felt that way.
Maybe because of its unceremonious arrival. My undergrad degree was handed to me onstage, rolled up and tied with a wide ribbon in the school colors. That is far more meaningful than arriving in a plain brown cardboard envelope. I’m surprised it didn’t say “please recycle” on it.
Perhaps it was its size. Again next to the undergrad diploma, this one is puny in comparison.
Maybe it was the fact that they decided to omit my middle name entirely. No initial or anything. How can it be official if it only has two-thirds of my name on it?
Maybe it was the bland generic-ness of the diploma. Really didn’t scream, “Hey you, what a big accomplishment, yeehaw!” More like, “Thank you for purchasing Cracker Jacks.”
Perhaps I’m just retaining my bitterness about the end of the program. No last class, no class party… We found out we met the requirements by looking up our grades online. The diploma comes in the mail in a plain brown envelope. And the graduation ceremony won’t happen for another three months and many of my classmates have moved away and won’t be making the trek back to campus for that. Would’ve been nice to have a class hoe-down. One of these days I’ll get over it, I’m sure. But for now I remain, faithfully yours, Ms. Disdainful, MS, RN, CNL with a puny, ugly, incomplete diploma in a brown cardboard envelope.
(Seriously, I’m not that bitter, but I am kind of surprised at exactly how underwhelmed I felt by the whole thing.)
